It has been almost a year since it happened. Since I met the girls. Since I went to their concert and had one of the most amazing nights of my life. And I’m only posting the pic now.
Because I use to hate the way I look on it. The picture made me so self-conscious. I hated the fact that my stomach is showing; I feel so huge just looking at this. I hated the fact that my face is all red and that I’m not looking at the camera. I hated that I’m not with all of the girls. I hated the fact that I’m crying and not smiling. I felt like I was ungrateful, not appreciating the moment enough…
But after a year, I’ve come to realize that this picture is beautiful. More beautiful than any other picture I’ve ever taken. This picture shows the power of love. It shows a girl that was so close to giving up finally wanting to live again. It shows a girl realizing that life is more than the pain and despair she sometimes feel. It shows a girl finding out that she is more than her mistakes and that she can be loved.
I bought my meet and greets because I wanted to tell the girls how much I loved them before I died. I went there, ready to say goodbye, so scared that they would hate me because I couldn’t see how anyone could love me. Hell, I was unable to see myself as someone worth something, anything. And then I met them. And they loved me. I could tell. The way they hugged me, the way they talked to me, the way they smiled at me, even the way they looked at me. They all were so amazing to me. And that’s why I am crying on the picture: I am overwhelmed with love. That’s why I am holding on to Lauren as if she’s the only thing keeping me grounded: at that moment, she actually was. She had just kissed my cheek, telling me “she fucking loved me” and that was what had me reach my breaking point. As soon as she kissed me, I started sobbing. I was so sure that I could never be happy again, because no matter what I did, I had this pain inside of me that wouldn’t go anywhere. But in the short moment I was with them, there was NO pain. It’s like they could push all the negativity away. And that’s when I knew I couldn’t die. There was still hope that I could feel happiness. So I couldn’t give up, I had to hold on to that hope: for the girls, for my family and friends, and, now I know, for me too.
So maybe you don’t believe in fandoms. Maybe you think it’s stupid for an 18 years old girl to love a band where some of the members are younger. Maybe you don’t like Fifth Harmony at all. But I don’t care. These girls saved my life. I know it’s really cliché to say, but it’s true.